What Being Suicidal Is Like + What You Can Do About It
My husband took this picture the day I had to call the National Suicide Prevention Line. I’m glad he took it because I look back and see what a fighter I am and always have been. You can get through anything. I’m glad I had the courage to call and share what I was going through so I could stay safe and get help.
I’m embarrassed to admit that back in college I actually believed that a person who commits suicide is selfish.
I’m honesty horrified to write that in black and white, but it’s true. That’s what I believed, and it’s because I didn’t understand until 2013 when I had my first experience of major depression and suicidal ideation.
Since then, I’ve struggled with suicidal ideation each time I became a mom and went through postpartum depression and anxiety.
Even though I’m super open about my mental health, I still feel a huge amount of shame around admitting that I have struggled with wanting to end my life. In particular, the last two months have been brutal for me because I was supposed to testify in court against someone who abused me. It reignited my PTSD in a way I was not prepared to deal with.
I cannot fully describe what if feels like to be suffering so deeply emotionally. It’s like you have no energy at all, but you still have to keep showing up for your life, especially if you have kids. You don’t feel like yourself. You always want to cry, and the sadness inside you is so immense that it hurts to carry it.
I’ve decided to break the silence on this today because the statistics show that tens of thousands of people in America alone are taking their own lives each year, and if sharing my experience can help anyone, then at least that brings something good out of this hard reality that so many of us are living.
To describe suicidal ideation, it can be anything from wishing you weren’t alive or wishing you wouldn’t wake up the next day, having thoughts of dying (like from a car accident), or actively planning to end your life.
Suicidal thoughts can be intentional, or they can be unintentional—also known as intrusive thoughts. Either way, these thoughts are occurring in a person’s brain not because they are selfish or want to hurt anyone, but because these people are suffering deeply.
I cannot fully describe what if feels like to be suffering so deeply emotionally. It’s like you have no energy at all, but you still have to keep showing up for your life, especially if you have kids. You don’t feel like yourself. You always want to cry, and the sadness inside you is so immense that it hurts to carry it.
People who struggle with suicidal thoughts are not selfish—they are in pain, and they want their pain to stop just like anyone else with an ailment, except the ailment of major depressive disorder is much more complicated than the cold or flu.
This shit is so dark, and that’s another thing that is important to share—people who struggle with major depressive disorder and suicidal thoughts feel this darkness, and they don’t want to share it because they don’t want to burden anyone else with it, because we love our family and friends.
If you struggle with major depressive disorder and suicidal ideation, here’s what you should know:
It IS TREATABLE, but you might not get the perfect treatment the first time around. You have to keep trying things.
It requires LIFESTYLE ADJUSTMENT. If something or someone is hurting you, you MUST remove yourself from it. Yes, even if it’s a family member. If something would benefit you, you need to bring that into your life (e.g. dance, art, etc.)
You need a SUPPORT PERSON, whether that’s a therapist, friend, spouse, partner, support group or doctor — you cannot fight depression on your own.
You need to SPEAK UP about how you’re really feeling to your support person as soon as you start feeling suicidal.
As vulnerable as I already am online, talking about this is really freaking hard, but, I feel so blessed to still be living and fighting, and if I can help someone feel less alone and crazy in this then I’m grateful for that chance.
I hope that when my kids are older, that they will live in a society where it’s perfectly okay to speak up when you struggle with mental illness or suicidal thoughts. It’s the silence and the stigma that is hurting people more than anything.
I love you all so much. Please keep fighting. We can get better. Feeling this way is not our fault. We didn’t choose it, but we can overcome it.
If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, please do not hesitate to call the NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE: 1-800-273-8255. I’ve called it before, and it made all the difference.
Important Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional. This is my personal experience. It is not a substitute for professional advice or treatment. If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, please do not hesitate to call the NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE: 1-800-273-8255. I’ve called it before, and it made all the difference.
P.S. In a previous version of this blog post, I shared a quote from a mental health doctor who said that “depression is a disease.” I no longer subscribe to this way of thinking as it has been proven through scientific study and research that depression is a response that the body and mind have to a toxically stressful situation or traumatic experience(s). Follow Dr. Nicole LePera (aka The Holistic Psychologist) on Instagram and read her book How to Do the Work to learn more about trauma, toxic stress, and how you can help yourself heal.
