Motherhood in America Feels Like a Scam

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I’ve been in this situation thousands of times in my life — cleaning the kitchen, wiping encrusted food off of chairs, putting more water in the filter as my husband wrangles the kids, who are resisting brushing their teeth and going potty.

I feel slightly relieved that tonight is my turn to do the dishes and his turn to wrangle, although it wasn’t always like this.

For most of our marriage and parenthood experience, he was gone, working 12 or more hours a day, while I did all of the home and parenting stuff during the week — the stuff that society made me feel had no value. Marketing messages told me to treasure this time alongside their offers of baby wash and diapers, but I couldn’t help but feel a little nauseous at the stark contrast of those ads and what my real life looked like. Up at 6am (on a good day) going all day with the kids, errands, and chores, until I finally got them to bed around 8pm (on a good day). That’s 14 freaking hours of physical and emotional labor.

How was I supposed to treasure this time? I just felt exhausted. I honestly don’t remember most of my early motherhood experience because I was just so tired all the time.

After I had my second child, I began napping every day without question. I was lucky that both my kids, 2 years apart in age, napped at the same time. But, it didn't solve the exhaustion problem. These daily naps served the sole purpose of keeping me mentally onboard during the dreaded afternoon shift of parenting and running a home where you still have just as much work to do but less steam.

I was looking around me at the other mothers at the playground wondering how each of us was feeling. While some seemed happy to be stay-at-home moms, there were a handful of us who felt jipped. I was glad to be a witness to the day-to-day moments of my kids growing and changing, but holy shit, this whole no paid time off, no paid sick days, working all day 7 days a week, and constant questions from strangers of, “What else do you do?” as if being a mom and home manager wasn’t full-time and a half already.

I didn’t really know what else to do, so I turned to graphic design and YouTube. Those were things I could do from home, although I’ve never been consistent at it, which all the online gurus say is the secret to actually being “successful.”

Sigh. I struggle to be consistent with daily showers. How am I supposed to be consistent with one more thing?

Discouragement became a pretty common theme. I wanted a way to be a mom, but also be able to hire some support, like a weekly housekeeper and sitter, so that I could be more of a human and less of a shell of a person just trying to make it through each day without multiple physical and emotional breakdowns.

This all felt like a scam — motherhood in America.

It became apparent quite quickly that if you didn’t win the supportive family lottery you were on your own. The whole “It takes a village to raise a child” thing is not an active philosophy that’s practiced here in America. We’re all just trying to pull ourselves up by our metaphorical bootstraps, apparently. Our hands blistered and tired, our minds overwhelmed by the impracticality and toxicity of the DIY motherhood American dream we’ve been sold.

It’s not right. I know in my gut that it’s not right.

I’m not one to stew in helplessness, so I’ve been searching for answers.

Why is motherhood exhaustion the status quo? Is this the status quo? Do others feel this way?

I started with surface level tactics to try to remedy my situation. I read a bunch of self-help books about time management and improving my mindset — most of which were written by men or by women with full-time nannies telling me to wake up at 5am. I actually tried that — many times. News flash: if you’re waking up multiple times a night to feed your baby or to tend to kiddos with nightmares, this is not sustainable.

And as much as I hope that someday soon I can afford a nanny, that’s not my current reality. So, what can I do?

I started digging a little deeper, learning about the physical and emotional distress caused by doing everything on our own. It’s been studied again and again — the link between isolation and increased mental and physical health issues is clear. Interdependence is the healthiest way to function in society, but we seem to live in a world that makes that so hard.

I tried to bring together a community to foster this interdependence, but all of my attempts quickly fell apart. The mom groups I had to pay to attend were usually full of well-meaning moms who were trying to expand their network of customers to sell me whatever oil, bracelet, or mommy and me outfit they had at that time.

I understand that we are all just doing our best to provide for our families, so no shade to those moms doing what they know how. It’s just not how I envision fostering connection and community. It honestly made me stressed to have the mom next to me pitch her company’s latest offer while I tried to simultaneously eat a piece of quiche and breastfeed my 2-month-old.

Y’all, I’m still trying to figure this out. My current conclusion after 5 years of being a stay-at-home mom and a work-from-home mom is that the way America is right now — high cost of living, low paying jobs, expensive healthcare and education, family and friends that live far away or who do more harm than good when they’re near — is why so many parents are just barely surviving, living on edge, and just trying to make the most of it all.

I want things to be better. The people who are raising the next generation of this country — we the people — deserve so much better than this dumpster fire we’re currently dealing with.

I don’t have a one-stop-shop answer for us, but here’s what I’ve been doing that has been keeping my head above water and protecting my optimism from being eradicated.

First, I’m stubborn as hell.

I refuse to accept that I’ve come this far and have lived through abuse and several shitty things I prefer not to name here just to struggle for the next 60-70 years and call that a life. Fuck that. The research is clear, happy and healthy parents are more likely to raise happy and healthy kids.

Improving the system we all live in is essential and beneficial for individual and community well-being. I’m not exactly sure what “improving the system” looks like. It might even look like burning it all down or finding a way to opt-out in some ways, but what we have is not working, and I’m not going to just take it lying down.

Second, I will no longer kill myself through overwork or constant comparison to what I think or what I’m told motherhood should look like. Again, fuck that.

I let the laundry sit, and I nap. I order food out, and I lay by the pool. And, I’m not leaving the house until I’ve taken care of my basic needs. How did I become this extreme, you ask? Being hospitalized by burnout has changed me, and I hope it won’t take sitting in the hospital and receiving a massive bill to change your mind about the importance of self-care and rest in your life.

Third, I make time to cultivate my gifts. So far, I’ve been able to make a living and support my family after my husband was laid off because of the pandemic, all because of the graphic design and YouTube hobby I started to help me with my depression. Don’t wait for the time to cultivate your gifts. I know it’s hard to find time. Remember those 14-hour days of motherhood I was just mentioning earlier? There was no time then either. I just chose to stop prioritizing all the chores and the visits with people who were adding stress to my life, and decided to cultivate my gifts instead. Am I suggesting that your crocheting hobby will solve all your problems and help you to opt-out of the oppressive system we live in...maybe.

What I’m really saying is that, we only get so much time on this earth, and I think giving every speck of that time to chores, parenting, and contributing to this exhausting system is just not the way to spend all your time on this earth. Fight back. Crochet. Graphic Design. Lay by the damn pool. Reclaim your life and your space however you can. Your parenting and relationships will be better for it.

Sometimes, when I’m feeling really discouraged, I think about how today, women, BIPOC, and LGBTQ+ people have more rights now than ever before, and it was all because some courageous and stubborn-as-hell people were not gonna take it lying down. They believed they deserved better, and they fought for it, and I’m sure they found moments to enjoy their lives alongside the struggle.

As a Black, mixed race woman, I try to summon the courage of my ancestors who deserved so much better. I will continue their legacy of believing in better, of fighting for more, and of resisting oppression by finding pleasure and joy in my daily life.

If you liked this video, blog post, podcast - however it is that you’re receiving this message, I invite you to join me on my daily journey of resisting oppression and creating a life that supports you the way you deserve by practicing sustainable self-care and self-compassion.

Unlike a lot of the advice out there, I don’t think you or I need to try harder. I think we’re overworked and underpaid as it is, and I’m here to help you learn to care for yourself while releasing the guilt and shame that trauma and oppressive systems try to make us carry.

Are you looking for a safe space to feel understood and to learn how to love and care for yourself?

I invite you to check out my group coaching experience, No Longer Last. I help women make their well-being a priority without guilt or shame. Click here to learn more.